Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
