where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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