my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
