the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
