Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
