There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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