I think im going to throw up on grandma
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
