i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
