oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
