White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
