Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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