adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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