I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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