why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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