Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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