do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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