You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do vagina's smell?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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