he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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