so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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