So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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