A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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