I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
