im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
