im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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