you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
