i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
