My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I looked at my own cervix.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
