that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
