I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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