If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
