It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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