Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
