I want to walk on stilts...naked
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
don't judge my taste in strippers
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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