a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
