I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
