My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
