some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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