Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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