i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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