Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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