He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
