he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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