I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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