Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
