Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
