her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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