She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
