Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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