i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
