There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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