remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
