I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
