dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
