if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
