I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
