Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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