She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
