I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
3 2 1 whiskey
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
