You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
