Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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