his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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