I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
