Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
