I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
