I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
